Over the last few years it has been highlighted to me that I have some pretty ugly bits.
Bits which, I assume, for my own desperate need for acceptance and love, I have attempted to justify when threatened.
I have rallied troops with my cunning intellect to make me right and others wrong.
It’s a pretty deeply ingrained habit.
It used to be easier to manage because, as I said, I was able to justify to my reasoning to others.
Was able to demonise others that triggered my ugliest responses.
It was a whole lot easier when I just had a collection of people that I could blame on all my agonies and paint them however I needed to paint them so I could continue on in my delusion.
But over the last few years, I’ve been watching my heart.
And I’ve noticed, that it’s been harder and harder to open.
And I then had to really question why.
Why is my heart so closed?
I have had to realise inevitably that the reason a heart becomes closed, is to protect itself from pain.
I have had to explore that pain and watch when it arises.
I found that what looked to me like other people copying me, doing the same thing that I had done was painful.
Not because I felt betrayed, as I had first assumed, but because the competitor in me; the same one that has pushed me to do everything I have ever achieved, felt threatened.
That if someone was doing something I wanted to be doing, then I was no longer good enough.
That somehow their achievements made me unlovable, unseeable, un-special.
The only cure to my dis-ease, my pain, is love.
I have to open my heart. I have to be happy for others successes and celebrate them.
And it sounds easy, but so far it has felt like someone slicing me open and pulling out my insides.
My mind will think of the first worst thing that can happen and clings to it, because I would rather their failure than see my own in comparison.
And it is shameful, to react with such nastiness to others moments of joy.
But there it is.
I have said it.
Now I must truly begin my long journey of redemption.
The long journey to compassion, to unconditional love. To loving myself and loving others.
It is time to celebrate others successes, and know that in truth, to celebrate others success, I can celebrate my own.