It’s coming from me
From my ancestors
lives stretching thousands of years before this one
from billions of women in the collective consciousness
right now as we shake off the dream
that was the patriarchy
we will not live a life of servitude
we will not go quietly
gracefully
And we have been building this voice gradually
and I hear it in my head
Rage itches in very cell
limbs pulse with anger and I lash out at him
It’s not fair! I scream internally
externally I narrow my eyes
allow a cold wall between our hearts to rise up
and sit between us
and I know it’s not fair
that I blame him
For thousands of years of slavery
as I scrub the dishes and seethe
as I sweep the floor and grit my teeth
as I fold the washing and curl my fists into tight balls of fury
I never raise my voice at him
to yell is to admit defeat
to step into open battle is to reveal ones vulnerabilities
instead I quietly stick knives into his heart
and smile as he squirms
‘I wouldn’t mind doing all the housework if you could provide for us, instead I’m the one working and cleaning.’
bullshit
‘You still haven’t done anything with your life though have you’
bullshit
‘but nothing ever really changes does it’
bullshit
I hurt him because I am a coward and I am not strong enough to fight my own demons, to take responsibility for my emotions
I hurt him because I let the fear that I will lug him behind me like a sack of stones for the rest of my life swallow me whole
I hurt him because I fell in love with his potential, and when I am weak, I don’t believe he will ever be brave enough to live it
And I am angry because I fell into the same trap every woman from the dawn of the patriarchy has fallen into
that somehow…our partner will save us
look after us
fulfil our every need
I trick myself into believing that the only way out is to be with a woman
but there is no answer to healing our wounds other than healing our fucking wounds
and it takes time
and patience
but most of all it takes
love
and faith
love because it is the answer to everything
faith because on the other side of the pain
their is healing
and I believe it’s literally why we are here.