It’s coming from me

From my ancestors

lives stretching thousands of years before this one

from billions of women in the collective consciousness

right now as we shake off the dream

that was the patriarchy

we will not live a life of servitude

we will not go quietly

gracefully

And we have been building this voice gradually

and I hear it in my head

Rage itches in very cell

limbs pulse with anger and I lash out at him

It’s not fair! I scream internally

externally I narrow my eyes

allow a cold wall between our hearts to rise up

and sit between us

and I know it’s not fair

that I blame him

For thousands of years of slavery

as I scrub the dishes and seethe

as I sweep the floor and grit my teeth

as I fold the washing and curl my fists into tight balls of fury

I never raise my voice at him

to yell is to admit defeat

to step into open battle is to reveal ones vulnerabilities

instead I quietly stick knives into his heart

and smile as he squirms

‘I wouldn’t mind doing all the housework if you could provide for us, instead I’m the one working and cleaning.’

bullshit

‘You still haven’t done anything with your life though have you’

bullshit

‘but nothing ever really changes does it’

bullshit

I hurt him because I am a coward and I am not strong enough to fight my own demons, to take responsibility for my emotions

I hurt him because I let the fear that I will lug him behind me like a sack of stones for the rest of my life swallow me whole

I hurt him because I fell in love with his potential, and when I am weak, I don’t believe he will ever be brave enough to live it

And I am angry because I fell into the same trap every woman from the dawn of the patriarchy has fallen into

that somehow…our partner will save us

look after us

fulfil our every need

I trick myself into believing that the only way out is to be with a woman

but there is no answer to healing our wounds other than healing our fucking wounds

and it takes time

and patience

but most of all it takes

love

and faith

love because it is the answer to everything

faith because on the other side of the pain

their is healing

and I believe it’s literally why we are here.

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