Somehow,
I have put the being able to get pregnant book with the being successful book
In the same bookshelf
The problem with them being on the same shelf is;
when I pull them out to look at them,
all I see are the failures
and all I feel is bottom-of-the-ocean-level sadness.
I’ve sharpened the point of the pencil enough to recognise
Both books represent not being good enough.
Now the problem with that is
That we design and create
our own reality
And beliefs as old as;
not being good enough
Attached to any book
Well, the feeling overrides any hope of it coming true
Because my consummation in
Hope then disappointment
and only seeing those two polar experiences
Mean that I draw them to me
Every time
So, fuck
I guess I’m being asked to look at it all now right.
Every failure
It’s not about getting pregnant,
it’s about dealing with failure
Or the feeling of
Not being good enough
It’s about submitting story after to story to competitions
To magazines
And never hearing anything back
It’s about failed auditions
Failed job interviews
Failed relationships
Failed jobs
Failed
failed
fail.
So, I am being asked by something much bigger than myself
to look at all of it from a different perspective
Not the one where I take a deep breath and say
‘you weren’t meant to have it’
Because that’s old and it’s stopped giving me that stupid half-hearted sense of placidness.
No, I am being asked to step into my failures
Something I’ve never really done
I’m being asked to really question them
Because if I’m honest
The moment I feel failure I tend to turn away and lick my wounds
Rather than say,
‘Actually,
I fucking want this’
Your no
Makes my yes stronger
Because a couple of failed pregnancy attempts
is not going to stop me from having a baby for the rest of my life.
Obviously
And now is the time
To not necessarily look at my failures
But look at them through a new lens
Look at them
And examine
Not my failure but
How I deal with failure
And move that
Deep, deep childhood wound
Of
I don’t feel good enough
To
I love myself enough to know this isn’t about my ability
Or my lovability
This is a challenge
Am I willing to meet it?
Or do I need to examine myself a little closer now?

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