You keep thinking about how it wasn’t supposed to go this way
How,
You were one of them once.
Full of potential and dreams and ideas bigger than yourself
And now your just desperately grasping at their hopes and dreams
Except you are scornful
You are bitter
Somehow you have ended up in the exact position you always feared
Living with your in-laws
Working full-time
With a fistful of broken aspirations
Like every other cleshe teacher on the planet
You have to believe you are going somewhere
But you remain fearful
That middle age will bumble along while you got busy and
Well…
You never really committed to your art so…
And sometimes you let yourself feel so sorry for yourself
you weep or scream in frustration.
And then feel ashamed and ridiculous
Because you don’t have problems
The anger and the sadness dance together,
Colour blending
Soundwaves moving in and out
Merging
Pointlessness peers out of the wrecked epitome of the map you never felt brave enough to decide on.
When the waves of emptiness and childish longing
Subside
A naive believe still sits below it all
And no amount of adulting can ever seem to stamp out.
The belief is of magic
Of unexplainable occurrences
Of wishes and dreams taking shape
In ways you wanted
So badly
But didn’t believe you deserved
Because you didn’t work hard enough
Or want them enough
And it just hasn’t happened
Because you’re justnot ready yet
You’re still learning
Learning how to manage yourself
To be strong and wise and less likely to fall into the ego of it all
And maybe I will go on believing in magic ‘till I’m old
Seeing will‘o’whisps were there are none
But maybe
Justmaybe
It’s only a matter of time